When it comes to relationships we've long had it wrong. No wonder so many of us have trouble getting it right. We've been looking, of all places, to math for the answers. Yes, math. We've been applying fractions to matters of the heart. Who was the wise guy who led us to believe that two people come together in a relationship to complete each other? The inference that each of us is merely half a person, and is going through life searching to find our other half in order to make a complete life, has become an accepted metaphor throughout history and a given just like the math fact on the flashcard we memorized as a kid. Think about it- we do exactly that. Time and time again we enter a relationship based upon that idealistic ideology and before we can say irreconcilable differences we realize we didn't become complete at all. We discover, instead, even the person we were at the onset has inadvertently disappeared. That outcome doesn't jive in the least with the math we've been taught. Reason being, we've been barking up the mistaken tree. I know, in theory, that romantic notion is warm and fuzzy and is responsible for the sale of more Harlequin novels and on-line love memberships than anyone would willingly own up to, but this notion is skewed and in need of an overhaul.

In math there are constants and absolutes. Love is another story entirely and can't be measured through exact means. It's this way. When two people- two whole and complete people- come together, they make a total and separate entity, a third entity-a relationship. Put another way there is you, there is your partner, and there is the relationship.

One plus one equals three is the equation that most aptly describes this proposition. No, this isn't the math fact we've been taught. You won't find it in any book on addition tables, FCAT test, or keypad on your calculator, but you will find when it comes to relationships it's the only premise that actually adds up. We aren't accustomed to looking at relationships from this angle. Given the chance to open ourselves up to a new method of calculating we may find this notion makes absolute perfect sense.

Pz's Pointers to understanding a new notion

Oil and vinegar DO mix-

A fitting analogy is the mixing of oil and vinegar. Certainly each of these ingredients can stand on its own, separate and apart from the other. Each has its own distinct properties and own distinct uniqueness. Put them in a container and you will clearly see them rise or fall as they divide and vie for their own space to occupy. Beyond that, with some effort, they can also be whisked, shaken, blended, or mixed together to then become something wholly different -dressing. Simply put, think of you and your partner as the oil and the vinegar. Your relationship is the dressing- the combining, merging, or joining of the two distinct entities. When we begin to view ourselves in this way we have a better take on our role and that of our partner in the relationship. We have a better understanding of what our expectations should be and what each partner must contribute to the mix.

To thine own self be true-

Will Shakespeare could not have said it better. A person must come to a place where they know and like who they are as a human being on planet Earth. This is about pride and significance- realizing you are a special person and worthy of someone's love and affection. Whether you are presently in a relationship or not doesn't matter. This is about being picky, choosy, particular and careful about to whom you make a love commitment. This is about recognizing you've made a mistake if you have. This is about seeing the flags as red when they are clearly marked and having the strength and courage to move in another direction when the road is a sure dead end. This about putting aside the impatience or desperation of being alone long enough to be prepared when the right partner finally does arrive. It has to be about you first- not arrogantly, but truthfully. Only through knowing and learning oneself, and only by bringing the best you possible to the party can you expect to attract the same, best, whole, and complete partner in return.

The fix is within-

If you cart issues or weakness or flaws or defects into a relationship thinking your partner has the answers, will fill those gaps, lick those wounds, or correct those imperfections you may be sorely disappointed. We ask too much of our partner and of the relationship when we have misplaced expectations. If there are things in your life that necessitate fixing that fix has to come from within. That is not to say your partner can't be helpful and supportive or generous and loving. A partner should be all those things and more. It is not their job, however, nor should you look to them for the solutions to problems that lie outside their realm and inside of you.

Common ground trumps 'opposites attract'-

The tendency is to look for traits in another that we lack in ourselves. We think when we stumble upon that person who is exactly what we are not they must just be the perfect match. If we are hot-tempered we think a mildmannered person is what we need. Passive people sometimes gravitate towards those more assertive. The belle of the ball is often accompanied by the wall flower. The tightwad hooks up with the spendthrift. In spite of what may appear on the surface to be a fit, there is more to a relationship then trying to find the puzzle piece that locks easily into yours. Again, this 'opposites attract' theory plays nicely into the 'complete me' theme. This concept has been so romanticized until we take it as truth, when, in fact, the real truth lies much deeper. The reality is what we initially believe to be so attractive, intriguing, or stimulating about our mate because it is so 'unlike us' can eventually become an annoyance, a burden or a downright turnoff. More importantly for a relationship to work is that two people share a belief system, a common ground and mutual respect on issues they will face over the span of their life as a couple. Moral and religious viewpoints, issues of sex, money, and children -are you looking at the world and at each other through similar eyes-all trump the rest every time.

Whole doesn't imply perfect-

In reference to the concept of a whole person, obviously, I don't mean a perfect one. That's because despite how wonderful we are, how evolved we may be, how little our baggage, or how unencumbered we have made our lives; we are still relegated to the status of human being. That signifies none of us are perfect. That doesn't negate the fact we should strive to put our lives on the best, most perfect course. That doesn't indicate we can't be all together and complete on many fronts necessary to have a loving and lasting relationship.

Givin' it all away-

Women especially are guilty of this. More so than men, women are eager to please, fast to nurture, quick to go along with whatever program the man has underway even at their own expense. They change established patterns as their world narrows to exclude many of the friendships and activities they once enjoyed. Slowly but surely they find one day they have given in, given over and given up so often they lost themselves somewhere along the road in the process. The relationship has a life all its own and should be viewed as such. We make the mistake of thinking when we merge our hearts and our lives that we give up our lives, and as a result lose that identity that is ours alone. It has to be able to stand alone, but still in sync with the relationship.

Should a relationship end-Of

Of course, all relationships don't work. Not surprisingly, many do end. Being less than perfect and operating out of some faulty assumptions means we will take missteps and make mistakes. The likelihood is greater of coming out on the other side of a failed relationship in better shape if you have a foundation of who you are still in tact. The toughest thing for those who have forfeited their identity for the sake of love of another is finding their way back and rediscovering the person they once were. The rebuilding of that self won't be as painful or hard to uncover if you don't have to dig too far down.

The balance of power-

Relationships can be a lot like Congress. The House and the Senate exist to keep each other in check-to balance the power. Neither is totally in charge- the framers of our constitution designed it accordingly - more precisely, they work independently, yet together. There isn't always harmony or agreement, and that fragile power may, at strategic times, shift back and forth, but in the end they speak with one voice for the common good of the government and the country. So too, in relationships each party is there for the other. Neither should ever hold absolute power, one over the other, which is so often the case. Neither should always wear the pants or always call the shots or always be in control or always have the final say. Like Congress, each of the partners should play an important role in the balancing of power-that give and take, that compromise and unyielding, that lead and follow- necessary in maintaining a healthy, happy and respectful relationship.

Not just for singles-

This is an attitude to adopt for your life whether you are presently in a relationship or not. Indeed, some relationships aren't salvageable no matter what one does. Others merit working on, even saving. While you are still there, still in it, step back and take a look at what you have. Determine what is deficient or missing and how it can be made better. There is continually room for improvement in the whole of the relationship, even if things seem okay, at any age and every stage of the union. That's because we, as individuals, can improve at any age and every stage of our existence. Begin with yourself first, and work outward from there. Communicate this attitude with your partner and get them on board with your new thinking. Create an atmosphere of excitement. Everyone has a part in the plan. Don't think you have to wait until your relationship is in trouble or dead in the water to apply this philosophy. Don't think because you may be experiencing difficulty that you have missed the chance to change the situation. We are so quick to throw it all away without first determining if it just needs some attention and revamping. You and your partner are responsible for both the strength and success of yourselves and ultimately of the partnership.

A good relationship isn't easy-

A lasting, meaningful one doesn't just happen. You've really got to want it. The aim is for two people to compliment each other in a way to bring out the best that is already there in place, while sharing a relationship where trials and tribulations are met with caring, compassion, compatibility and collaboration. Life is a continuous learning process. Sharing that process with another is one of the most rewarding commitments and challenges we can experience.

When you no longer feel you are in it to complete neither do you need completing; when you realize you bring, not half, but, a whole you together with, not half, but, another whole other; when you recognize it is you, your partner, and the relationship that are three distinct and powerful entities, THEN you'll easily begin to see that the old math doesn't work. This notion doesn't add up. It's time to take a fresh approach. It's time to do a little creative love calculating. It's time to see that one plus one really does equal three.